Okay hi blog xxx
It’s been a while.
Lots has changed over the last couple of months. I have moved countries, started a new job, begun moving in new directions, embraced a simpler, less noisy and complicated existence, in constant opposition of the shiny allure of task and work and busyness. But most importantly, my priorities have changed. What used to seem overwhelmingly important seems entirely fickle.
I am overwhelmingly thankful.
I have spent more time in silence than ever, I have found more joy in an afternoon walk than in a day spent ‘doing’. I have found contentment in a handful of people surrounding me. Contentment in lament, in homesickness, in facetime calls discussing day to day rhythms.
I definitely have not figured it all out. I am slow to state I have figured anything out at all. The change in pace, and more time with myself has brought up insecurities I never thought I had. The changes in direction have brought up big, unequivocally confusing questions of purpose and motive and everything I thought had already come up a dozen times throughout teenage-hood. Yet this time, the questions have felt real. And weighty.
I haven’t yet found a church. But I have found church in individuals. In post-work walks with friends, over cups of coffee in lunch breaks, in “I miss you” messages. In unlocked front doors and friends and relatives a few generations wiser than me.
I have become more and more aware of the absolute suffering of humanity and absolute sickening prosperity, and how the two can coexist and be worlds apart at the same time. I have felt my heart break at world news, as well as surrounded by stories of heartache and unexplainable trauma in my day to day. I have caught glimpses of the Father heart of God in moments, and felt myself humbled at my lack of awareness, my desensitization to the need of my brothers and sisters. Yes, in the natural, but more so in the need for a Saviour, the need for a friend who doesn’t disappoint like those here on earth.
Most of all, I have grappled with Love. Who is He really? What are the depths of my trust in Him. Questions on questions on questions. And yet, really, in the midst of it all, I have only found one answer. Come to one conclusion, one image.
Just how much He loves. Just how little he looks down in anger, or judgment, or disappointment. And just how much He looks upon his beloved longing for us to realise He has already died for our brokenness. Died to obliterate our confusion, and the lies that the insecurities of earth bring. He longs for closeness. He longs for intimacy. He longs for us to discover the depths of grace.
I have only scratched the surface.
More to come…